I’m Not Okay – An Original Poem

First off, I don’t even know where I would begin.

The fog clouding everything is so dense and unforgiving.

If I were to reach out for something that is right in front of me

It Would be Merely impossible.

You would assume that because you know what is on the other side.

sometimes I can. Right now I can’t.

I feel violently alone.

as if talking to people about how I feel doesn’t even cut the tip of the iceberg.

The real problem is unknown even to myself.

I don’t know what’s lurking beneath the surface of it all, let alone what else.

I can guess or make assumptions but then what’s the use if I don’t know how it twists and manifests itself into whatever monster it is that’s consuming me.

Consume is the correct word. I think about getting dressed, going to pick out an outfit and looking at myself in the mirror, just let me be!

The monster says no because it says I’m worthless

if I did get dressed and go out I would probably only fail nevertheless.

It tells me my creations and my skills are mediocre. It tells me my thoughts are inadequate and that even if I had something interesting to say, you should probably just say nothing at all.

It thrives on my loneliness and isolation. I feel like it wants me to push everything away so it can have me entirely to itself.

I literally feel nothing, I’ve stopped even feeling hunger I don’t even care about how something may taste let alone myself

I can do the bare minimum of what it means to be a human. I can socialise and see people but only so that they don’t start asking questions.

If I can function normally then maybe there’s nothing wrong? They can only make assumptions.

When people ask you how you are it’s the most sickening feeling

because it’s so obvious that you’re on the ground kneeling.

You laugh at yourself inside because the thought of telling somebody that you’re doing great is borderline hilarious.

When you say you’re doing great and they smile and nod back; oh so frivolous.

that’s what hurts the worst.

It hurts the worst because if you can say that without meaning a word then how long will it be before somebody notices enough to help you.

What will it take for you to commandeer a rescue?

You spend so long building an ironclad fortress around yourself so that nobody can get to you. If they got to you they might not understand and they might reject your insecurities as ‘silly’ or ‘absurd’. So, you mustn’t let them in, don’t let your walls down. Just keep pushing them away and maybe everything will be okay.

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